Today jokes
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When Fred was applying for a credit card, the manager of the credit card company asked him if he had much money in the bank. "I have," said Fred. "How much?" asked the manager. "I don't know exactly," said Fred, "I haven't shaken it lately."
Bank manager: I'm sorry, sir, you can't open an account with this sort of money. They're wooden pieces! Lumberjack: But I only want to open a shavings account.
What's the best way to increase the size of your bank balance? Look at it through a magnifying glass.
A man went in to the bank and asked to see the man who arranged the loans. 'I'm sorry, sir,' said a cashier, 'the loan arranger is out to lunch.' 'Can I speak to Tonto, then?' asked the man.
Dad, did you manage to fix my toy? No, it's not broken, the battery's flat. Well, what shape should it be?
What did the bell say when it fell in the water? I'm wringing wet.
Did you hear about the man who jumped in the Hudson River? He committed sewercide.
It was so hot when we went on holiday last year that we had to take turns sitting in each other's shadow.
Clown: Why are you wearing such a large shirt? Second Clown: I always perform in the big top.
Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.