Today jokes
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So the bus driver said to the string, "Are you a string?" and the string said, "No, I'm afraid not". (A frayed knot).
Q: Why couldn't the animals on Noah's Ark play cards? A: Because Noah was standing on the deck!
Q. What's te definition of a bachelor pad? A. All the house plants are dead, but there's something growing in the refrigerator.
Q. What did Snow white say when her photos didn't come back from the photo store? A. "Some day my prints will come!"
Q: Why did the haunted house not like rain? A: Because it dampened his spirits.
Q: What did the hat say to the necktie? A: You go AHEAD I'll HANG AROUND!
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? A: To win the no-bell prize.
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
The world's most incredibly lazy man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. He wished for a horse, a sumo wrestler and a squirrel. "They're yours, but what are they for?" the genie asked. "I'm tired of walking everywhere--I want to just ride the horse. The sumo wrestler is so that I won't have to work to get on the horse." "But the squirrel?" asked the genie. "I need something to go 'click-click' to start the horse!!!"