Today jokes
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A huge American car screeched to a halt in a sleepy English village, and the driver called out to a local inhabitant, "Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare's birthplace?" "Ay, straight on, sir," said the rustic, "but no need to hurry. He's dead."
What did the teacher say after spending thousands in the expensive hotel? I'm sorry to leave, now that I've almost bought the place.
On her annual visit to another planet, an old lady turns to the cabin steward and says. "I hope this spaceship doesn't travel faster than sound. "Why?" replies the cabin steward. "Because my friend and I want to talk, that's why."
The transatlantic liner was experiencing particularly heavy weather, and Mrs Jones wasn't feeling well. "Would you care for some more supper, ma'am?" asked the steward. "No, thanks," replied the wretched passenger. "Just throw it overboard to save me the trouble."
A police officer was amazed to see a hiker walking along the road carrying a sign which read "To Seattle." "What are you doing with that?" asked the police officer. "I'm walking to Seattle," said the hiker, "and I don't want to lose my way."
Tourist: Is this 99 Main Street? Resident: No, it's 66, but we turn it upside down to confuse people.
Tourist: The flies are awfully thick around here. Don't you ever shoo them? Native: No, we just let them go barefoot.
Tourist: What's the speed limit in this hick town? Native: We don't have one. You strangers can't get out of here fast enough for us.
Police Officer: Why did you lead me on a five-state chase? Driver: I love to travel.
Guest: Why did you offer me a piece of candy? Hotel Clerk: You said you wanted the best suite in the hotel.