Today jokes
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Zack and Tybe, two Alabama farm boys, bought themselves a truckload of watermelons for a buck apiece. They sold each one for a dollar. After counting up their cash, they realized they'd wound up with the same amount of money they'd started out with. "See!" said Tybe. "Ah told yew we shoulda got a bigger truck!"
Mayne and Willard, two idiots, were in a rowboat on a lake fishing. Suddenly the spray from a motorboat racing by flooded their boat. "How we gonna get the water out?" asked Mayne. "Easy," said Willard. "We just bore a hole in the bottom of the boat and let the water drain out." The men drilled a hole in the bottom, and more water started rushing in. "Wait a minute!" exclaimed Mayne. "We need another hole so's the water comin' in through the first one has a place to go back into the lake!"
Izzard went into a Baltimore bank to cash his check. Since he didn't have an account there, the teller asked if he could identify himself. "Sure," said Izzard. "There a mirror around here?" "There's one on the wall right beside you," said the clerk. Izzard took a glance in the mirror and heaved a sigh of relief. "Yep!" he said. "It's me, all right!"
The July temperature in Joplin climbed over the one hundred mark. Despite the scorching heat, Bozell was outside painting his house. A passerby stopped for a moment to watch him and then asked, "How cum yer wearin' two jackets?" " 'Cause," said the redneck, "the directions on the can say ta put on two coats!"
Kennen was having a drink in a saloon when his neighbor, Stakely, came rushing in. "Ah think somebody's stealin' yore pickup truck!" the man said breathlessly. Kennan ran outside, but came back right away. "Well, did yew stop him?" asked Stakely. "Naw!" said the redneck. "He was too fast. But Ah got his license plate before he got away!"
During a break on a North Dakota office building project, one of the construction workers approached Pyle. "Ah heard the boys is gonna strike," he said. "What fer?" asked Pyle. "Shorter hours." "Good fer them!" said the redneck. "Ah always did think sixty minutes was too long fer an hour!"
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.