Today jokes
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A tourist walked into a fish and chip shop in Ireland. "I'll have fish and chips twice," he orders. "Sure, I heard you the first time," came the reply.
What's red and green and wears boxing gloves? A fruit punch.
Teacher: If you saw me standing by a witch, what fruit would it remind you of? Pupil: A pear.
First boy: She had a beautiful pair of eyes, her skin had the glow of a peach, her cheeks were like apples and her lips like cherries - that's my girl. Second boy: Sounds like a fruit salad to me.
Why did the teacher have her hair in a bun? Because she had her nose in a hamburger.
What do you get if you cross a bee with a quarter of a pound of ground beef? A humburger.
When Lee ate raw onions for a week what did he become? Lone Lee.
Why are fried onions like a photocopy machine? They keep repeating themselves.
What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom? "He's a real fun guy [fungi]."
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area." "Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"