Today jokes
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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
Two guys are talking about fishing. One says to the other, "I am NEVER going to take my wife fishing with me, ever again!" "That bad, huh" "She did everything wrong! She did everything wrong! She talked too much, made the boat rock constantly, tried to stand up in the boat, baited the hook wrong, used the wrong lures and WORST of all she caught more fish than me!"
A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?!" the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works." "O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" the man respond ed. "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted. "Call who back?" the man asked. "The FISH" "What fish?" the man asked.
The fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks "Any luck?" "Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday" he boasts. "Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger. "Nope." "Well, meet the new game warden." "Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?" "Nope". "Meet the biggest liar in the state."
One day, two guys Joe and Bob were out fishing. A funeral service passes over the bridge they're fishing by, and Bob takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does this until the funeral service passes by. Joe then said "Gee Bob, I didn't know you had it in you!" Bob then replies " It's the least I could do. After all I was married to her for 30 years."
Two blondes rented a fishing boat, and were having a great day catching fish. The first blonde said "This is such a great spot, we need to mark it so we can come back." The second blonde proceeded to put a mark on the side of the boat. The first blonde asked "What are you doing?" The second blonde replied "Marking the spot." "Don't be stupid" the first blonde said. "What if we don't get the same boat next time?"
Two Irishmen were walking down the street with two salmon each under their arms. Two other Irishmen walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky fishermen and ask " how did you catch those ?" Well its like this! Michael here holds my legs over the bridge, and I grab the salmon as they swim up the river. We got four salmon A great days fishing! So the fishless pair look at each other and agree to give it a try. They get to the bridge and Sean calls to his friend "hold my legs now Paddy". Well he is hanging there upside down for thirty minutes when he suddenly cries.. "pull me up, pull me up!!" Paddy asks " do you have a fish Sean?"............ No replies Sean, "there's a bloody train coming!!!!!!!!"
Three priests were fishing on a boat when they ran out of bait. The first priest got up and walk across the water to get some more bait. After 2 hours they ran out of bait again and the second priest said he would go get more bait...so he got up and walk across the water. After 3 hours of fishing they ran out of bait again and the third priest said he would get more bait. So he stepped out of the boat and went straight to the bottom. The first priest turned to the second priest and asked, "Should we have told him where the rocks were? "
An Irish priest loved to fly fish, it was an obsession of his. So far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved wadders on and his favourite flies out of their box Strangly though, every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work. The weather forcast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu. He asked him to take over his sermon. The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognise him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed that he would do something about it. With the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon. Confused the angel asked God, "Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson." God replied "I did. Who do you think he's going to tell?"
Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisherman said: "double my I.Q" so the mermaid did it and to his surprise he started reciting shakespeare. Then the second fisherman said: "triple my I.Q." and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed. The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said "Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!" the fisherman said "yes" so the mermaid turned him into a woman