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Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

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People are far more sincere and good-humored at speeding their parting guests than on meeting them.

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Holidays are an expensive trial of strength. The only satisfaction comes from survival.

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Gifts are like hooks.

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In the fight between you and the world, back the world.

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Puritanism is the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

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It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

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Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.

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In California everyone goes to a therapist, is a therapist, or is a therapist going to a therapist.

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Bore: a man who is never unintentionally rude.

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