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Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event.

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The big thieves hang the little ones.

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Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperatelly? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.

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A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

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Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.

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A happy childhood is poor preparation for human contacts.

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I am just going outside and may be some time.

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Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.

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The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise the wealth that it prevents you from achieving.

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Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

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