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The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.

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Every author, however modest, keeps a most outrageous vanity chained like a madman in the padded cell of his breast.

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I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.

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Politicians are the same the world over: they promise to build a bridge even when there is no river.

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If the Prince of Peace should come to earth, one of the first things he would do would be to put psychiatrists in their place.

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Progress might have been all right once, but it went on too long.

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He that respects himself is safe from others. He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce.

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The trouble with my wife is that she is a whore in the kitchen and a cook in the bed.

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No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement.

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There ought to be a room in every house to swear in.

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