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I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.

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The man who has nothing to boast of but his illustrious ancestry is like the potato - the best part under ground.

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For the skeptic there remains only one consolation: if there should be such a thing as superhuman law it is administered with subhuman inefficiency.

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If we take in our hand any volume; of divinity or school metaphysics, for instance; let us ask, "Does it contain any abstract reasoning concerning quantity or number?" No. "Does it contain any experimental reasoning concerning matter of fact and existence?" No. Commit it then to the flames: for it can contain nothing but sophistry and illusion.

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The idea of an incarnation of God is absurd: why should the human race think itself so superior to bees, ants, and elephants as to be put in this unique relation to its maker? . . Christians are like a council of frogs in a marsh or a synod of worms on a dung-hill croaking and squeaking "for our sakes was the world created."

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Women and cats do as they damned well please, and men and dogs had best learn to live with it.

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You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.

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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

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Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body.

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The only mystery about the cat is why it ever decided to become a domesticated animal

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