All jokes
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Ben was assigned a new wildlife technician and she was driving him crazy. She was blonde and pretty and insisted on carrying beauty products in a little field bag - nail polish, hair care products, gels, creams and so on. One day they were driving the rugged four-wheel drive down a dirt road when a big rabbit ran in front of them and was hit by the truck. Ben pulls over and walks back to the dead rabbit. He felt terrible, but there was clearly nothing he could do for the dead creature. His blonde partner pipes in and yells, "Waite, I have just the thing!" She races back to the truck and begins to rifle through her beauty products. Ben watches as brushes and combs fly from the bag. Finally she races back with an aerosol can and sprays the dead rabbit with it's contents. Immediately the rabbit springs to its feet, waves goodbye, hops a few feet, pauses and waves again. The rabbit repe ats this strange behavior...wave-hop-wave-hop, until it disappears over the hill. Ben is amazed and asks, "What in the world is in that can?" The blonde biologists says, " Duh...look at the label" You guessed it.... "Hair Spray .... Immediately revives dead hair and creates a permanent wave"
A logger is driving down the highway and sees two botanists trying to measure the height of a small pine tree. Their tape measure is not long enough so one botanist stands on the shoulders of the other and attempts to extend the tape to the tree top but it is not long enough. While trying, he falls to the ground. They attempt this about five times and each time the top botanist falls. The logger is laughing but feels sorry for the pair, gets out of his truck, takes out an electric saw and cuts down the tree. The botanists are looking at him like he is crazy. He then takes a tape measure and measures the tree. "OK guys, the tree is 14' 6." He then gets in his truck and drives away. The two botanists are stunned and speechless. Finally one says to the other ,"How do you like that, we are trying to measure the height of the tree and that stupid jerk measures the width."
Garvin the mammalogist, was in Alaska studying polar bear. In sub-zero weather, he would spend 7 days out on the ice. But, after his 7 days in the field, he would return to the small town and spend a day or two resting up and drinking in the only bar in town. On one particular day it was 40 below zero and Garvin made his way into the bar. He asked Bud, the bartender, for a whiskey. "I don't know, Garvin, you sure have run-up a big bill in here." The bartender told him. " I know," Garvin replied, "But I'm flat broke, and I sure could use a drink. "OK," The barkeep told him, "I'll just write your tab down on the piece of paper and pin it up here by the coat rack." "Oh no, don't do that, I don't want everyone in town to see it. "Don't worry," The bartender replied, "I'm going to cover it up with your parka until its paid!"
An 8th grade boy was doing some research for his career report at school. He asks his dad, "Father, how many wildlife biologists work for the Federal Government?" "The honest father replies, "Oh, I would say at least half of 'em."
A University had advertised for two biologists to help in their mammalogy department, specifically with a group of captive grizzly bears. They had only two applicants - a beautiful young women biologist and an older male biologist. The mammalogist in charge of the project knew that not everyone can handle working with such fierce creatures so he decided to test their skills with the bears. The two hopefuls followed him out to the bear pen. He first asked the young women to show him what she could do. She entered the cage, stripped down to her bikini, and the largest bear walked up and nuzzled her bare legs. The astonished mammalogist then said to the old man, "Can you do that?" "You're darn right I can," said the old man, "just get that bear out of there first !"
A wildlife biologist is working in the woods, miles from the nearest town. He's camped alone with his dog and cat as his companions. Suddenly, an old gentleman carrying a small limp dog, franticly runs into his camp. "Please, please help me! I think something has happened to Willie. Our Winnebago is parked just around the bend and we've seen you camped here. We didn't know what to do. We thought of you because we had seen all this scientific equipment laying around here. Can you help him?" " Sir, I'm not a vet, I'm a wildlife biologist," the young biologist told the worried man. "Can you please just have a look at him, I'll pay you anything you need. I just need to know. If he's still alive, maybe I can rush him into town." "Ok, put him here on the table." The young biologist looks the limp dog over, but its plain that the dog is dead,, no pulse or signs of breathing. "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid poor Willie is dead." "No, I can't believe that..... It can't be true...are you sure?" "Yes, I'm quite sure." "I just can't believe that....With all this equipment, isn't there something you can do? I must be absolutely sure." The biologist called his big yellow cat over to the table. The cat walked around the dead dog, occasionally sniffing at the carcass. He then looks up at the biologist and let out a few weak meows. "Well, the cat say he's dead. Does that assure you?" "No, I need more than that...Do you have anything else?" The biologist calls over his big black dog. The dog circles the body a few times, sniffing it every now and then. After a few moments, the dog barks at the biologist. "Well, now the dog says he's dead. That's all I can do for you sir." "OK, well I guess its true. I'll take him back and bury him...How much do I owe you?" "It'll be $650 bucks." The biologist tells the old man. "What??", replied the old man, "How can you charge that much??!!" "Well sir, I could have told you he was dead for only a dollar, but you're the one that insisted on the cat scan and the lab tests!"
A young biologist was sitting on a stump at the edge of their camp. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. One of the other biologists saw his sad looks and asked, "What's the matter?" The young biologist said, "They put me in the same tent with old Doctor Perkins. He snores all night, takes a bath once a month, and talks non-stop about back when he studied passenger pigeons. He's so damn old, I think he was a lackey for Charles Darwin. He generally just makes my life Hell. We had a big fight about it and they split us up for a month" The older biologist said, "That should make you happy." The young biologist sadly shook his head and said, "Not when the month is up today!"
There were these two Engineers who decided they would go moose hunting in the backwoods of British Columbia. As it happened, they lucked out and got a moose. Unfortunately, they were about a mile from their truck. They were having a tough time dragging the animal by the hind legs when a Wildlife Biologist happened upon them. He said, "You know, the hair follicles on a moose have a grain to them that causes the hair to lie toward the back. The way you are dragging that moose, it increases your coefficient of friction by a huge margin. If you grab it by the antlers and pull, you will find the work required to be quite minimal." The Engineers thanked him and started dragging the moose by the antlers. After about an hour, one Engineer said, "I can't believe how easy it is to move this moose this way. I sure am glad we ran across that Biologist." "Yeah.", said the other. "But we' re getting further and further away from our truck."
A biologist from the North Pole was showing a new recruit the ropes of a polar bear radio tracking program. The new recruit said, "I know how the transmitters work, but I have one question--how do you catch the polar bears in the first place?" "I bet you use high-powered tranquilizer dart guns, right?" "Oh no!" the experienced biologist replied, "we use an ancient Eskimo technique, developed centuries ago. First, we dig a huge hole in the ice. Next, we place a circle of green peas all the way around the hole. Then, we go hide behind some ice blocks and wait. Finally, when a polar bear comes up to take a pea, we kick him in the ice-hole !!!"
A group of goose biologists were meeting to brainstorm about the migration tactics of Canada geese. They were particularly interested in applying for a $100,000 Federal grant to investigate the "V" formation of goose flight. It had been observed that one side of the "V" is always longer than the other side. This group would put together a research proposal to apply for the $100,000 grant and hopefully find out why this happens. To start off the discussion, Todd, the Consulting Firm Biologist stands up and says in typical consultant fashion, "I say we ask for $200,000, and attempt to model the wind drag coefficients. We can have our geologists record and map the ground topography and then our staff meteorologists can predict potential updraft currents. Our internal CAD department can then produce 3-d drawings of the predicted wing tip vortices. Then, after several years of study, our in-house publications department could produce a nice thick report full of charts and graphs." The Senior Research Biologist, a professor at the local university, cleared his throat and responded, "No, no!, That's not it at all. We only need $150,000. We can train a group of domesticated geese to fly in formations of equal length and then compare their relative fitness to wild geese. We can then publish the results in the Journal of Wildlife Management. About then, the hardworking field biologist stands up and begins walking for the door. "Where are you going?" the group asks. "I'm leaving" he replies, "I've heard enough. No one has to give me $100,000 to find out that the reason one side of the "V" is longer is simply because there are more damn geese on that side!"