All jokes
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Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, that's a hardware problem.
Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner he told them: I need three important people to send my message out to all the people: "Tomorrow I will destroy the earth." Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them: "I have two really bad news items for you: 1) God really exists and 2) Tomorrow He will destroy the earth." Clinton called an emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them: "I have good news and bad news: 1) The GOOD news is that God really does exist 2) The BAD news is, tomorrow He is going to destroy the earth." Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and very happily announced: "I have two fantastic announcements: 1) I am one of the three most important people on earth 2) The Year 2000 problem is solved."
I overheard a woman in a computer store say to the sales assistant "I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough for his father to play, too."
Young Judy, the editor of a trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Prem, the computer guy, over to her desk. Prem clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error." A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??" He gave her a grin... ;-) "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," replied Judy. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." (She wrote...) I D 1 0 T
Dear God: Yesterday was an awful day for me... My husband ran off with his secretary, My son pierced his eyebrow, My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head, My dog mated with the neighbors cat, My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution, My Mom told me I was adopted, My Dad told me he's gay, My boss told me I was laid off, My sister was arrested for prostitution, My house has termites, My car was stolen, All that came in the mail was bills, A plane, crash landed on my garage, OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner, And my TV blew. Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today! But please.... DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!! AMENA programmer enters an elevator, wanting to go to the 12th floor. So, he pushes 1, then he pushes 2, and starts looking for the Enter....
After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady repute, the luckless customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it in to find it Dead On Arrival. Naturally, after checking the usual things, he called the dealer and explained his problem. First question from Deviously Evasive Dealer: "Did you check to see whether the power was on?" "Of course." DED: "Did you open the cover and check whether any of the boards had shaken loose in shipping?" "Of course." DED: Then why are you calling me?" "Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of warranty," pleaded the frustrated purchaser. "Of course there is," replied the DED, "But you voided the warranty when you opened the cover." There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
My computer made a funny sound the other day. Of course, I've never heard it get thrown out a window before.
Q. What creature has the best aptitude for engineering ? A. The spider -- It has its own website.
Jesus and Satan got into an argument over which of them was the better computer programmer. Finally God got tired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a contest between them. They each had four hours to write the best program they could, and then God would decide the winner. Well, they both got right down to business, and wrote lines and lines and lines of code. But just before the four hours were up there was a flash of lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights flickered, the power faltered, and both computer screens went dead. When power was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see the results of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed the most elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture and wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures -- all kinds of bells and whistles. God asked Satan wha t he had created, but Satan said, "I've got nothing, absolutely nothing. My program was twice as good as that, but I lost it all when the power went out. Jesus must have cheated. How could he still have such a great program?" God replied, "Everybody knows -- Jesus Saves."
Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? A: The car salesman can probably drive!