Dirty jokes
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Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay bottom goes to his doctor. The physician prescribes suppositories, but when it comes time to use them the young man is afraid he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom and bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All of a sudden, his penis becomes stiff, blocking his view. "Oh, stop it," the young man scolds his organ, "it's only me."
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future." Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend." "That's true," said Paul. "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?" "Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?" "Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy something. "Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the creek to wash clothes, but lemma see what you got," said the man. The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested. Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?" Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?" The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale. The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk. He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious. One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "so this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!"
As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?" "Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?" "Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"
Once upon a time, a guy was sitting at a bar. He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar tips and buying drinks for everyone. He was surrounded by a crowd of adoring women. The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of curious about a little man that would jump from the rich guy's pocket. The little man would run up and down the bar, kicking over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger. Then the little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while. The barman went over and asked the guy what was up. So the rich guy says, "Well, let me tell you a little story. I was walking along a beach one day, and I come across this lamp. I rub it, and a genie popped out. I got three wishes, so my first wish was to be fabulously wealthy. Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both." The barman asks, "So what about that little guy in your jacket?" "Oh, tha t," mumbles the rich guy. "That's the twelve-inch prick I wished for."
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."
A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue." The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave." Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Turning Walter!"
Three Friends an Italian a German and a Greek they decided to bet it's other 100 euros who is going to make their wives scream more from sex. So they all go home to have sex with their wives so they make them scream. The next day the meet. The Italian says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours." The German says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that." The Greek says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happened to you?" asked Bill. "Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asks Clinton. The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."