Marriage jokes
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The angry wife met her husband at the door. His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick. "I assume," she barked, "there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is!" he replied, "Breakfast."
One of the bachelors in the apartment development sneaked up behind an older woman, covered her eyes with his hands, and said, "I'm going to kiss you if you can't tell me who I am in three guesses." She quickly answered, "George Washington! Thomas Jefferson! Abraham Lincoln!"
The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens. "It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?" "Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner!"
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"
A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell. "Marry him anyway, dear." the Mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how *wrong* he is."
Miles Dobson was away from home on business in another city. When he called home, his wife told him, "Miles, they had your name in the obits today." "What! In the obituary column! That's not only disgraceful but bad journalism. I'll sue 'em." "Tell me, Miles," his wife asked tremulously, "wh...wh...where are you calling from?"
A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was felling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by. "OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he stepps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman. Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!" Repairman:"Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"
A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman's home, when all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close. "Oh, no, it's my husband!" The man says, "Where's your back door?" "We don't have a back door" says the woman. The man then asks, "Well, where do you want a back door?"
Wife: Who was that on the phone? Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau. Wife: What did he say? Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...
Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple wakes up. Woman: "Quick! My husband is back!" Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think: "Shit! But I am the husband!"