New jokes
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How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb? Hmmm........I'll just do a few numbers and get back to you
Laws of Accounting 1. Trial balances don't 2. Bank reconciliations never do 3. Working Capital does not 4. Return on Investments never will
Who was the first accountant? Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry, lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.
What's a shy and retiring accountant? An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?" The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."
A businessman hires a private detective to find a missing accountant. The detective tells him that he needs a description and asks a few questions. "Was he tall or was he short?" The businessman replies, "Both!"
A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?" The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."
The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"
Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child: "No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn't be tax deductible, but I like your thinking".
Wife to husband as they watch their young son playing: "He's such a sensitive child. Let's wait until he's older before we tell him you're an accountant."