New jokes
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Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk, and I swatted one, how many flies would be left? Girl: One - the dead one!
Did you hear about the do-it-yourself funeral? They just loosen the earth and you sink down by yourself.
Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place and was sacked for the grave mistake?
Why do you want to be buried at sea? Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave.
I was so sorry to hear you buried your mother last week. Well, we had to, you know, she was dead.
A monster and a zombie went into the undertaker's. "I'd like to order a coffin for a friend of mine who has just died," said the monster. "Certainly, sir," said the undertaker, "but there was really no need to bring him with you."
Did you hear someone has invented a coffin that just covers the head? It's for people like you who're dead from the neck up!
The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff, "Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree?" "Course not," replied the Sheriff. "We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away. After that it's up to you."
A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted "Avalanche!" The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted "Flood!" and escaped. The teacher was then lead out. The squad took aim and the teacher, remenbering how the other two had escaped, shouted "Fire!"
At the inquest into her husband's death by food poisoning Mrs Wally was asked by the coroner if she could remember her husband's last words. "Yes," she replied. "He said 'I don't know how that shop can make a profit from selling this salmon at only 20 cents a tin..."