New jokes
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A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence call the day after the friend's wife has died. When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room kissing a mate. "Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!!" His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?"
"Why are you crying Fred?" asked the teacher. " 'Cos my parrot died last night. I washed it in Wisk. . ." "Fred," said the teacher. "You must have known that Wisk's bad for parrots." "Oh it wasn't the Wisk that killed it, sir. It was the tumble drier."
Doctor, doctor, I'm at death's door! Don't worry, Mrs Jenkins. An operation will soon pull you through.
What kind of ghosts haunt operating theatres? Surgical spirits.
How do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eye
My brother's a professional boxer. Heavyweight ? No, featherweight. He tickles his opponents to death !
A monster and a zombie went into a funeral home. 'I'd like to order a coffin for a friend of mine who has just died,' said the monster. 'Certainly ma'am,' said the undertaker, 'but there was really no need to bring her with you.'
If a woman is born in Italy, grows up in England, goes to America and dies in Baltimore, what is she? Dead.
Vampire 1: "I once went so long without fresh blood that I nearly died." Vampire 2: "How awful!" Vampire 1: "Yes. Fortunately, I found some in the neck of time."
I've been e-mailing William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare's dead, silly. No wonder he hasn't replied.