New jokes
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A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast in me." The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women, 'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse."
"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?" "I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."
A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins. She looks surprised and says, I don't have a headache!" He says, "Aha!"
Wife: "Do you think of me when you're away darling?" Husband: "Yes honey, I always bare you in mind."
Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them." The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small World!"
A man calls his family doctor: man: Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit. doctor: Ok, bring her in and I'll try to help. man: Fine, but whatever you do, don't cure her.
A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from inside the aprtment, walks inside to find his wife on the floor of the living room naked. Wife yells, "help, help, I am having a heart attack", the husband runs in the other room to call the doctor when one of his kids run up to him and says "daddy, daddy, there is a naked man in the closet", husband opens the closet door and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, god damn it, my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scare the kids"!!!
Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married. Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"