New jokes
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Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup! Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. "Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?" "What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 1st customer: "I'll have tea." 2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!" (Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog's legs? Certainly, Sir! Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
You're hiking around on Hampsted Heath (a park near London) at the end of a long sunny day. You run across (separately) the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Baden Powell, and Sir Edmund Hillary, who all give you directions to the nearest tube stop. Whom don't you believe? Your story teller, for there is no such thing as a completely sunny day in England.
Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella ? Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining.
'You never get anything right,' complained the teacher. 'What kind of job do you think you'll get when you leave school ?' 'Well, I want to be the weather girl on TV.'
What did Santa Claus's wife say during a thunderstorm? 'Come and look at the rain, dear.'
How do sheep keep warm in winter ? Central bleating !