Today jokes
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Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?" A few minutes later, Timmy returned. "Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?" "She's fine, except that she's angrywith you." "With me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?" "She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy.
Grandpa: You youngsters are soft and lazy today. When I was your age I got up at six o'clock every morning and walked five or six miles before breakfast. I used to think nothing of it. Fred: I don't blame you, Grandpa. I wouldn't think,much of it myself.
An American tourist found himself in a sleepy country village, and asked one of the locals the age of the oldest inhabitant. "Well, sir," replied the villager, "we ain't got one now. He died last week."
Fred: I haven't slept a wink for the past two nights. Harry: Why's that? Fred: Granny broke her leg. The doctor put it in plaster and told her she shouldn't walk upstairs. You should hear the row when she climbs up the drainpipe.
How old is your Grandma? I dunno, but we've had him a long time.
How can you tell an old person from a young person? An old person can sing and brush their teeth at the same time.
Why is it easy to break in to an old man's house? Because his gait is broken, and his locks are few.
My grandma has so many wrinkles she has to screw her hat on.
"Grandma, why don't you drink tea anymore?" "I don't like it ever since that tea bag got stuck in my throat."
An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun." "So he's in the woods," the doctor continues, "and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest." "That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said. "Exactly."