Today jokes
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Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers? New Jersey had first choice.
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
How can you tell a lawyer is lying? Other lawyers look interested.
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
Lawyer: "Let me give you my honest opinion." Client: "No, no. I'm paying for professional advice."
Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?" Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't."
What do lawyers do after they die? They lie still.
Why don't lawyers enjoy playing golf? Because it's too much like work, what with all of the lying involved.
A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted. "Darling, it was just a shark," said his wife when he came to. "You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."
Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart? Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small!