Today jokes
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Q: Two men drive into a car wash. Which one is the Irishman? A: The one on the motorbike.
Q: Where does an Irish person go on a vacation? A: A new bar
An insect falls into a mug of beer. English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out. American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tbe beer. Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer. Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and buys himself a new mug of beer. Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy another mug of beer.
Q: Where is the world's fastest chicken from? A: Ethiopia!
One night, God spoke to a preacher to tell him what he wanted him to do. After God had briefed him on his mission, the minister decided to ask him a question. "God," he said, "What is heaven like?" God replied, "Well, normally I don't tell people this, but since you are my servant, I guess I can tell you. Heaven will be like a city. It will have the best of everything. For example, the French will be the chefs; the Italians will be the lovers; the English will be the policeman; the Germans will be the mechanics; and the Dutch will be the politicians!" The man looked pleased. "What is hell like?" he asked. "Well," he said with a sigh, "the French will be the mechanics; the Italians will be the politicians; the English will be the chefs; the Germans will be the policemen; and the Dutch will be the lovers."
Q: What would you call an Arab who owns a harem of cows? A: A milk sheik!
The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives go shopping one day to a big department store. While they are there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store is killed, including the three women. Their husbands are summoned to the local police station where a policewoman breaks the news to them: "I'm afraid sirs, that we believe your wives were killed in the fire at the department store. However the fire was so intense we cannot identify the bodies. Only their handbags survived the blaze. Can you identify your wives' handbags from these three found in the store?" The three men all look at the handbags and each one is able to identify one of the handbags as belonging to his wife. With all handbags accounted for the policewoman leaves the men to deal with their grief in peace. The three men sit in silence for a while, then the Englishman opens his wife's handbag and rummages through the conte nts, finally pulling out a half-empty packet of cigarettes and says "All these years married and I never knew the old girl smoked." The Scotsman looks into his wife's handbag and pulls out a half-empty bottle of scotch. "Jings, I knew her all that time an ah didnae ken ma missus drank." The Irishman empties his wife's handbag onto the floor, looks through the contents and picks up a half empty packet of condoms. "'Saints preserve us! All dese years an oi never knew me wife was a man."
Q: What's the highest position in the Greek Navy? A: Rear Admiral!
Q: How do you get a German out of the bath? A: Turn on the water.
A French guy, an American guy and a Cuban guy are standing on a cliff. The French guy throws a case of fine wine off the cliff. ''Why did you do that?''asked the other men. ''We have plenty of fine wine in France,'' said the man. Next, the Cuban guy throws a box of fine cigars off the cliff. ''Why did you do that?'' asked the other men. ''We have plenty of cigars in Cuba,'' said the Cuban man. Finally, the American man pickes up the Cuban man and throw' him off the cliff. ''What did you do that for?'' asked the French man. ''We have plenty of Cubans in America,'' answered the American man.