Today jokes
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Q: What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit? A: One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!
How many Man U. fans does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change the lightbulb, and one to drive down to Kent to pick him/her up.
Did you hear about the underwater snooker player? He was a pool shark!
Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!
Q: What did the football say to the football player? A: I get a kick out of you.
Bob and Tom both like to golf. One day Bob went to Tom and said, "Hey look at this great ball!" Tom replied, "What's so great about it?" Bob said, "Well if you lose it, it will beep until you find it, and if it goes into the water it will float. This ball is impossible to lose!" "Wow!", said Tom, "Where did you get that from?" Bob replied, "I found it."
Daughter: I will never learn to spell. Mother: Why? Daughter: The teacher keeps changing the words.
"I gotta 'A' in spelling," Tony told his father. "You dope!" he replied. "There isn't any 'A' in 'spelling'!"
Early Texas governors were not very well educated. There was once a chief executive who thought "grammar" was his father's mother. On one occasion this governor went hunting and forgot his gun. He phoned his secretary and asked him to send the gun. "The phone connection's bad," said the secretary. "I couldn't catch that last word. Spell it." The governor replied, " 'G' like in Jesus; 'U' like in onion; 'N' like in pneumonia GUN, you damn fool!"
A Hoosier, a Kentuckian and a West Virginian were on a Hollywood TV quiz show. The host asked them to complete the sentence: "Old MacDonald had a ..." The Indianan said, "Old MacDonald had a carburetor." "Sorry," said the MC. "That's incorrect." "Old MacDonald had a flat tire," said the Kentuckian. "Wrong," said the host. "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the West Virginian. "That's correct!" shouted the MC. "Now for $200,000, spell farm." The West Virginian thought hard and then spelled carefully: "E-I-E-I-O."