Today jokes
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Mrs. Caroline Squires of Cincinnati filed for a divorce from her husband in 1949 on grounds of desertion. She testified he'd stepped out "for a beer" on the Fourth of July, 1917, and had never come back.
A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself. "Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!" Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results. He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling. "Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?" "Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!"
Question: What's the major cause of divorce? Answer: Once is not enough.
Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, the sockets go with the house.
Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do? Use a pencil till I get there
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell? Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu! Didn't I see you yesterday?
Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something? Yes - here's a kite!
Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?! Stick your foot out and trip it up!
Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot. Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!