Today jokes
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What's the greatest birthday present? Hard to say - but a drum takes a lot of beating.
What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday? A stole.
Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday. Betty: That was a kind thought. But why didn't you? Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.
Fred: Do you like the dictionary I bought you for your birthday? Harry: Sure. It's a great present but I just can't find the words to thank you enough.
A man who forgets his wife's birthday is certain to get something to remember her by.
BoyFriend: Why didn't you give me anything for my birthday? GirlFriend: You told me to surprise you.
A St. Louis mother telephoned the capital building over in Jefferson City and asked to speak to the game warden. After being switched from office to office, a voice finally said, "Hello." "Are you the game warden?" she asked. "Yes." "Finally Ah've got the right person!" she said. "Could yaw'l gimme some help with my son's birthday party?"
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade."
Joe was sitting at a bar. He was totally depressed. The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong. "I'll never understand women" said Joe. "The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted." "Wow! That's quite some gift" said the bartender. "So why are you so dejected?" "Well I thought about it for a while" said Joe, "and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won't even speak to me!"