Today jokes
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This man says to his friend," I stopped driving 10 years ago. Now my wife drives and I just sit there and hold the wheel."
Q: What do you call a man who marries an old, ugly and poor woman? A: Desperate!
Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.
Men don't get lost; they discover alternative destinations.
What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!
Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"
A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, "It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women? Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.
A psychologist returned from a confrence in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permited to ski for free. Her husband asked her, "How it went?". She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips."
Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered. The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me." The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"