Today jokes
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Patient: Why did you charge me a group rate? Psychiatrist: You've got multiple personalities.
Did you hear about the auto mechanic who went to a psychiatrist and insisted on laying under the couch?
A woman entered a psychiatrist's consulting room leadind a kangaroo."I'm worried about my husband, doctor, " she said. "He keeps thinking he's a kangaroo! "
Doctor ! Doctor ! I think I'm going crazy. I have a carrot growing out of my ear. Amazing ! so you have. How could that have happened ? I can't understand it either, because I planted cabbage !
What do you know when you see three rabbits walking down the street wearing tuxedos and top hats? You know you need a psychiatrist!
Why is a psychiatrist like a squirrel? Because they are both surrounded by nuts.
SIX PHASES OF THE MONTH IN NAVY RECRUITING 1. ENTHUSIASM 2. DISILUSIONMENT 3. PANIC 4. SEARCH FOR THE GUILTY 5. PUNISHMENT OF THE INNOCENT 6. PRAISE AND HONORS FOR THE NON-PARTICIPANTS
An airforce officer goes to heaven and at the gate St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of attmittance to heaven. The officer flyboy replies; yes, I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two seabees harrassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentelman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this seabee to stand down. St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act. The pilot replied; about 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!
At a lesson in topography a soldier was asked: "What is farther away, Harrison, the moon or that object on this map?" "That object, naturally." "What makes you think that?" " 'Cause we can see the moon any clear night, and we can't see that object even at day time."
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make: He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered one: "You didn't really do that, did you?" "I'm positive you'd never get through basic training" scoffed another. The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question: "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"