Today jokes
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Q: Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him? A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Polish Remover".
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who married an Amish woman? A: He drove her buggy.
"Where's your pencil, Bud?" the teacher asked an American boy who had just come to school in Britain. "I ain't got one, Sir." "You're in England.now, Bud. Not ain't, haven't. I haven't got a pencil. You haven't got a pencil. They haven't got a pencil." "Gee!" said Bud. "Pop said things were tough in this country, but I didn't know pencils were so hard to come by."
An American tourist was visiting a quaint country village, and got talking to a farmer in the local pub. "And have you lived here all your life, Sir?" asked the American. "Not yet, m'dear," said the farmer wisely.
An Irishman joined the American Air Force and was making his first parachute jump. The instructor said, "When you jump out of the plane, shout Geronimo and pull the ripcord." When the Irishman woke up in hospital a few days later the first thing he said was, "What was the name of that Indian again?"
What do you call an American with a lavatory on his head ? John.
Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding? A: He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.
Q: How many French farmers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. Farmer #1 goes away and gets a new lightbulb. Farmer #2 notices that it has been imported from Britain and promptly sets fire to it, so farmer #1 has to go and get another one, and then farmer #3 changes it.
Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first. A: Two - one to say "She'll be right mate" and one to fetch the beers. A: 16. One to change the bulb and 15 to say "Good on yer, mate!"
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.