Today jokes
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Why are there so many Johnson in he phone book? They all have phones.
That boy is so dirty, the only time he washes his ears is when he eats watermelon.
What time is it when an elephant sits on your car? Time to get a new car.
If twenty dogs run after one cat, what time is it? Twenty after one.
Customer: I'd like a watch that tells time. Clerk: Don't you have a watch that tells time? Customer: No, you have to look at it.
For a weddin' present Ledbetter gave his son Amos two hundred dollars. Two weeks later he asked him, "W'atcha do with the money, son?" "Ah bought me a wristwatch, Pappy!" answered the boy. "Yew dumb ignoramous!" yelled his father. "Yew should 'av bought yoreself a rifle!" "A rifle? What fer?" "Suppos'n one day yew cum home and find some guy sleepin' wid yore wife," explained the older redneck. "W'atcha gonna do? Wake him up and ask him what time it is?"
What are your two favourite times to party? Daytime and night-time!
'I hope you're not one of those boys who sits and watches the school clock,' said the principal to a new boy. 'No, Sir. I've got a digital watch that bleeps at three-fifteen.'
The proud owner of an impressive new clock was showing it off to a friend. 'This clock,' he said, 'will go for 14 days without winding.' 'Really?' replied his friend, 'And how long will it go if you do wind it ?'
Why did your sister shoot the alarm clock ? Because she felt like killing time.