Today jokes
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At a party, a conjurer was producing egg after egg from a little boy's ear. "There!" he said proudly. "I bet your Mum can't produce eggs without hens, can she?" "Oh yes, she can," said the boy. "She keeps ducks."
What happens if you play tabletennis with a bad egg? First it goes ping, then it goes pong.
My brother's on a seafood diet. Really? Yes, the more he sees food the more he eats.
A tourist walked into a fish and chip shop in Ireland. "I'll have fish and chips twice," he orders. "Sure, I heard you the first time," came the reply.
What's red and green and wears boxing gloves? A fruit punch.
Teacher: If you saw me standing by a witch, what fruit would it remind you of? Pupil: A pear.
First boy: She had a beautiful pair of eyes, her skin had the glow of a peach, her cheeks were like apples and her lips like cherries - that's my girl. Second boy: Sounds like a fruit salad to me.
Why did the teacher have her hair in a bun? Because she had her nose in a hamburger.
What do you get if you cross a bee with a quarter of a pound of ground beef? A humburger.
When Lee ate raw onions for a week what did he become? Lone Lee.