Today jokes
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A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night. "There's a burglar downstairs eating the cake that I made this morning." "Who shall I call," her husband asked, "police or ambulance?"
Fred: We had a burglary last night, and they took everything except the soap and towels. Harry: The dirty crooks.
Why did the burglar take a shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway
What did the burglar say to the watchmaker as he tied him up? Sorry to take so much of your valuable time.
Judge: Why did you steal that bird? Prisoner: For a lark, sir.
Judge: You claim you robbed the grocery store because you were starving. So why didn't you take the food instead of the cash out of the till? Burglar: Your Honour! I'm a proud man, sir, and I make it a rule to pay for everything I eat.
I think I hear burglars, dear. Are you awake? No!
Judge: Tell me your occupation. Prisoner; I'm a locksmith, Your Honour. Judge: Then what were you doing in a jewellery shop in the middle of the night when the police saw you? Prisoner; Making a bolt for the door!
"What makes you think the prisoner was drunk?" asked the judge. "Well, Your Honor," replied the arresting officer, "I saw him lift up a manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said, 'I want to listen to it on my record-player!' "
A police officer was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off. "Shall I run and get it for you?" asked the prisoner obligingly. "You must think I'm daft," said the officer. "You stand here and I'll get it."