Today jokes
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One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
A man walked into an appliance store and asked the price of a 25" remote controlled color television set. "One dollar," the clerk replied. "You've got to be kidding." "Look, Mac," the clerk said, "do you want it or not?" Of course, the customer gave him a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the suctomer saw a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker. "How much for that?" he asked the clerk. "Fifty cents," came the reply. The customer forked over the half dollar, saying, "What the heck is going on here?" "Nothing is goining on here," the clerk snapped. "But my boss is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."
Winnie-the-Pooh is eating a roll. Piglet arrives. - Give me some roll, Winnie! - It's not a roll, it's a bun. - Give me some bun, Winnie! - It's not a bun, it's a bap. - Give me some bap, Winnie! - Get lost, you pig! Stop being such a pain in the neck! You can't even make up your mind!
Winnie and Piglet sit on the bank of the river and smoke dope. A crocodile comes out of the river: - Hey pals, let me have a whiff. - Get lost, oh green one! - Come on guys, just one! - Go %@~# yourself! So what would you do? Well, the crocodile swallows Piglet and sits in his place. Winnie, inhaling, is holding the butt out to Piglet and suddenly sees a crocodile. - W-ell, it seems enough for you, pig!
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Senor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied. "The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist. "They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter. The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, senor," agreed the waiter. "You see the bull, he does not always lose."
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasnt been home for so long. She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week." The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?" "I am only here to get something to eat."
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you have to help me!" The doctor asks, "What's your problem?" The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'...give the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boning. For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing. Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the wife another screw......." "So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your problem???" The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, saying, "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50." He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
The president got off the helicopter in front of the White House with a baby hog under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "Nice pigs, sir". The president replied, "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback hogs. I got one for Hillary and I got one for Chelsea." The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, "Nice trade, sir."
A man wakes up early one morning and decides to go Bear hunting. He tells his wife, "You've got three choices; you can go Bear hunting with me, I'll do you anally or you can give me a blowjob. I'm gonna load up the truck and get the dog out. Make up your mind before I get back. "The man returns twenty minutes later and says, "Well what's it gonna be? "She say's, "There's no way I'm going Bear hunting and you're not doing my ass so I guess it's a blowjob. "A couple minutes later she starts choking and spitting and says, "Jesus, you taste like shit.""Oh yeah," he replies, "The dog didn't want to go Bear hunting' either."