Today jokes
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Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "Fuck no! Do you know anything about lighting gas stoves?"
One day a teacher was asking her class to use absolutely in a sentence. So Janet raised her hand and said the sky is absolutely blue, the teacher said no, it is not, sometimes is black or has different colors. Another little boy raised his hand and said "the leaves on the trees are absolutely green" the teacher said no, they could be different colors at different times of the year. Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where lumps in farts, the teachers said no, I don't believe so. And Little Johnny said, " well then I absolutely just shit in my pants!!!!"
A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room. The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!" "Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity." "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'
Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, publicly accused her neighbor George of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar. George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay bottom goes to his doctor. The physician prescribes suppositories, but when it comes time to use them the young man is afraid he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom and bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All of a sudden, his penis becomes stiff, blocking his view. "Oh, stop it," the young man scolds his organ, "it's only me."
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future." Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend." "That's true," said Paul. "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?" "Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?" "Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy something. "Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the creek to wash clothes, but lemma see what you got," said the man. The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested. Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?" Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?" The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale. The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk. He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious. One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "so this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!"