Today jokes
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Did you hear about the two men who were cremated at the same time? It was a dead heat.
If a man was born in England, raised in America and died in Spain, what does that make him? Dead.
Doctor, doctor, I feel dead from the waist down. I'll arrange for you to be halfburied.
Waiter, waiter! There's a dead fly in my soup. Oh no! Who's going to look after his family?
Why did the monster take a dead man for a drive in his car? Because he was a car-case.
Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk, and I swatted one, how many flies would be left? Girl: One - the dead one!
Did you hear about the do-it-yourself funeral? They just loosen the earth and you sink down by yourself.
Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place and was sacked for the grave mistake?
Why do you want to be buried at sea? Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave.
I was so sorry to hear you buried your mother last week. Well, we had to, you know, she was dead.