New jokes
-
The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this". A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again". The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm nvery sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."
Crazy Aunt Maud received a letter one morning, and upon reading it burst into floods of tears. "What's the matter?" asked her companion. "Oh dear," sobbed Auntie, "It's my favorite nephew. He's got three feet." "Three feet?" exclaimed her friend. "Surely that's not possible?" "Well," said Auntie, "his mother's just written to tell me he's grown another foot !"
Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma like I told you to? Yes Mom. Your handwriting seems very large. Well, Grandma's very deaf, so I'm writing very loudly.
Which two letters are rotten for your teeth? D K
Why is the letter "t" so important to a stick insect? Without it would be a sick insect.
Have you ever seen a duchess? Yes - it's the same as an English "s"
One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. "Well, she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings. A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies "My boss and played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings. Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari. "Where did you get that car?" her husband asks. Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings. That night, his wife asks him to pour her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she find that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end. "And this?" she asks her husband. " Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?!"
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help. "Oh Lord, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prize. Joe again looked up and prayed... "Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck. Once again, he prayed... "Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... " Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the Lord himself: "Joe, Meet Me Half Way On This One. Buy A Ticket!"
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. 'What's up?' he says. 'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling. his four-year-old son comes up and says, `Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!' The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. 'You jerk,' yells the husband, 'my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!'
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you d id for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."